I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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