im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
