I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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