life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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