Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
