Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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