i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
