He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
