I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
