I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
