What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
