ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize