GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
