Pappa wants mamma naked
i need an iv and a liver transplant
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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