I think im going to throw up on grandma
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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