help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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