then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need moral support for this bender
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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