3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
