I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She bit a glass in half.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
