Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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