I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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