I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
