whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
