Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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