I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
