I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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