Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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