I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
