the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
