apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
