he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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