She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
