Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
