so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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