dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
