...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
