you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I did not marry a roomba.
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