Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I want to walk on stilts...naked
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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