I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
