Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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