we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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