He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
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I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
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He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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