Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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