Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
