I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
sex in a hospital.. check
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
