Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
