I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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