It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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