I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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