Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
