My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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