well I can't set my house on fire every night
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
