My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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