Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
