The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
